Things aren't always exciting or always bland. There are things I like about today and things I abhor. Each of us, as individuals, gets to do whatever it is we want. Nobody is going to hand me a honey-dipped life. There is no such thing as a honey-dipped life. Tick-tock; I draw closer to something I don't want but will do anyway.
...today I feel a little more hopeful. Change can happen but some changes can't occur unless one does something to effect them. What I can do is take responsibility for myself today. Sometimes I get discouraged and the gloom rolls in. There are good days too, though.
If it were that easy, people would just do it.
I think I was taught as a child that passion gets you nowhere;
that practicality is what keeps us alive.
"You think life is about fun, huh? What do you think puts food on this table?"
Common conversation:
"I don't want to do chores. I want to play."
"Oh, but you want to eat, huh?"
It was driven into me that I should never fucking starve, that stability was paramount. I was expected to excel but no one ever showed me how to do that. I was expected to attain unspecified goals that were loosely labeled as "success".
Being obedient (subservient to another) got me love. I'll bet that's how she was raised, too. Maybe I just took it all too seriously but I'm over the blaming and lamenting.
You're right about the passion. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that doing what you want to and doing what you need to are two separate things that one must choose between. I have got some mental constructs to defeat.
I know I am good at beating myself up when I fall short of perfection. I know I am good at blowing things out of proportion (or minimizing them).
The exhaustion is setting in; maybe that's partially to blame for my actions and subsequent feelings about them. Excuses aside, I must take responsibility for myself. I'm sad and disappointed.
This meeting had better be worth it. So far it doesn't feel like it.
I can't seem to effectively convey what I feel about you. I want you to know. I think about how, if I died tomorrow, I would want you to understand the way I feel about you.
I have had this thought (and shared it with a few friends) about how I couldn't wait to meet the person I was gonna be with because they were going to be so cool.
We haven't known each other that long and have only been together three weeks but I feel like you're that person.
I love how this feels; so natural. I feel so close to you and want to be so close to you that being in the next room is too far away.
This thing we're building, it's strong. It could be a permanent structure.
